dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
