She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
