She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I smell like Dick and happiness
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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