By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
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I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
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You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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