and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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