Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
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All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
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She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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