running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
