I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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