i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
4 words: hood of his car
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
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