So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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