So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Randomize
