Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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