we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
