I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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