You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
