anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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