You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
