Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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