i think i recognize dicks better than faces
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
