Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
