I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
