u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
if only i could text you this smell
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
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