I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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