I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
