Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
