You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
