look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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