Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
