I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
