oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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