what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
