Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
pray to the hookup gods
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
