I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
