my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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