Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
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I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
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You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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