She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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