I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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