dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I intend to get homeless drunk
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
