hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
