My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
