maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
