just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
