the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
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Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My ass is underappreciated
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I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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