I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
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You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The air was thick with penises
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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