Will you blow on my dice?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
