I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
