That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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