how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
