we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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