Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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