ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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