OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
