I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
